Learning my ABC's and Loving 3G's

For the last several months, the local cell phone company, West Central Wireless, has had a billboard in town that said, "3G coming soon" or something like that.

I drove by yesterday and noticed that they have changed the sign and it now says, "We double dog dare you!"

First of all, NEVER double dog dare me to do anything....'cause I probably will.
But, that's not the point...that's just what got my attention.

You see, I live in a tiny town in the middle of nowhere...Mason, Texas.
"Home of Old Yeller," as I proudly tell everyone who will listen.
Seriously, if you go back and read it, Fred Gipson wrote about his dog and him roaming the hills of Mason County. How cool is that?

But seriously. It is kind of like the middle of nowhere...
This is the Texas Hill Country...beautiful with sprawling ranches, the Llano River, the only place in Texas where you can find blue topaz, the land where bluebonnets abound and the deer and antelope play.
(The antelope are behind high fences, but I'm pretty sure I've seen them playing.)

Actually, now that I think about it...there are a few buffalo that roam, much like your cell service will, because really, we're kind of in a dead spot here.
Getting good service can be pretty iffy.
Depending on your provider.

Can you hear me now?

I don't care that my Iphone is a 3G, and I don't care if I get an Iphone 4, because it won't work right anyway.

This all got me thinking about the G's in my life, and I'm not talking about my G-string.
Though, I do need to restring my guitar desperately.
Sheesh! Renew your mind!!
That would just be inappropriate!

Which makes me think about my first G. He's hilarious. In fact, he owns a shirt that says, "Relax, I'm hilarious." and he is.
In every completely inappropriate way you can imagine. 1G is probably one of the best friends I have ever had in my life. He made me laugh. A lot.

But then I married him.

I chose someone funny over someone gainfully employed, and believe me, that's only funny for a little while. 1G is a good time guy.
I say this respectfully and with no bitterness in my heart whatsoever, but he was the kind of guy that when the going got tough, he'd get going.

Then, when things were put back together, he'd resurface and we'd start the cycle of insanity all over again. We were two completely dysfunctional people that somehow found each other and connected in a very deep way. I was an absolute crazy person. And so was he.

We met when I was in my early 20's and he was seven years older. I was also a single mom with two kids and at a horrible place in my life. We met on "Ladies Drink Free" night at my favorite bar.
And we danced to "Dream Weaver."
And then he slept through our first date.
Seriously.
Literally slept through it.
He "didn't hear his alarm" and never showed up.

I love old houses and I think a lot about restoration. After our divorce 12 years ago, I wanted God to restore the  relationship. I never wanted a divorce to begin with.
I wanted him to grow up.

I've been thinking about it a lot lately, and when you restore something, you take it back to its' original beauty.
Trust me. There wasn't a lot of original beauty to it.
He showed up at my house with a 6 pack of beer, a bag of weed and Monte Python videos.
I tolerated the Monte Python, because, well...he had good weed.
And he was a good kisser.

I'm just sayin'. (Sorry to offend, I'm just tellin' the truth.)

He moved in a few months later and it was non-stop chaos from there.
There are endless stories, that we now find humorous, though absolutely heartbreaking and horrendous at the time.
We went through hell together. And we put our children through hell.
Guests on Jerry Springer have nothing on us. Absolutely nothing.

I actully tried to run him over once with our car.
He wouldn't take us out for Chinese food on Mother's Day after church got out.
I just kept yelling at him. "All of the the other husbands are taking their wives!"
He responded I think with, "All of the other wives are not psychotic!"
And then it was on like Donkey Kong.

I've got your "take out" baby!! "I will "take you out with the front bumper of this Volvo you *&^ (* ^^%$!"
I can still see that picture of him running and looking back in my head and it is hilarious.
In a really, really disturbing way of course.

Just a few weeks ago, I went to see 1G on a whim in Wisconsin.
And I left there feeling very saddened by it all.
Although a lot of time has passed, the hands haven't seemed to move at all.
Things were different. And still so much the same.
He will always be the Eyore, to my Tigger.
I bounce.
And he will always be annoyed by my bouncing.

Then there is the other G.
I can't even call him my G, because he is not.
Years ago, I knew him as a happily married man with 3 wonderful kids. I thought he was the epitome of Ward Cleaver.
2G always appeared to be so reliable,  responsible, kind, honest and super squared away.
He was the kind of guy you could depend on.
"That's the kind of guy you want." I would think to myself.
"Not that kind of guy I get, but the kind I want."
Not in an ogling, inappropriate way, just nice.
He was a brother in Christ and nothing more.

A year after my divorce from 1G, he came back from Philly to San Antonio and took us all out to eat at Pizza Hut.
I think he even paid!
I was particularly broke at that moment, and the roller coaster of living on commission sales had me once again, living in fear of having my utilities shut off.
When we got back home, I noticed an envelope on my stove that said, "Jesus Loves You."
Inside, there was $250.00!
It's a great story about the faith of a child, but that's not the point right now, so I'll save that for another time.

Days later I found out that the money was from 2G.
Almost a decade later, I was talking to a friend on the phone and asked about past friends...and him.
"How's G doing?"
"Oh, I saw him. He looks good. It's sad though. He's divorced, or going through a divorce, or something like that...I'm not sure."

Now I'm not really proud of my immediate reaction, but it went kind of like this,"OMGosh!! Okay...I have two things to say.."Hallelujah!! And I've got dibbs!!"

Sidebar: Never call "dibbs" on something until you know exactly what you're even calling "dibbs" on.

I proceeded to immediately send him a friend request on Facebook and the rest is more heartbreaking history.
I adored that man. Literally. I worshiped the ground he walked on. He became everything to me. I couldn't believe that God would actually give me exactly the kind of man that I had wanted my whole life.

In reality, He didn't...I just thought so.

We functioned together, it felt equal, give and take. He treated me like a princess and I felt like one when I was with him. We loved craftsman bungalows, and food and the outdoors. We loved getting up and having coffee and planning whatever time we could spend together.

He opened doors for me, played amazing guitar, held my hand in church and prayed with me.
The incredible chemistry caught me off guard from the beginning and I caved big time. He was a great kisser, and then some.

My conscience ate at me day in and day out. For many reasons.
I was living a double life.
Certainly, I didn't feel like I deserved to be with him and I knew I was in a situation that was disappointing to     Jesus. I clearly left no room for him.

A mustard seed certainly couldn't squeeze into that tight of a space!
Insecurity inched it's way into my soul, or maybe it had been there all along.
I've never had a good relationship with a man before and avoided them fervently for a decade....until him.
All my previously feigned, "I don't like PDA's" went out the window. I am in fact, the queen of PDA's it turns out.

I think I truly fell in love with 2G the day we were to attend a life group event and I was running late getting into town. When I got to his place, he was ready to go. Not only was he ready, but he had snacks prepared because he knew I wouldn't have had time to cook that day. That did me in.


It seems silly maybe to get so excited about something so simple, but it brought tears to my eyes that someone could be so thoughtful and considerate and amazing.

But daily, I was terrified that I would lose him to someone closer, more successful, prettier, more mature, more squared away, someone more like him and admittedly, I stalked his Facebook until I made myself crazy.

Ironically, psychotic.

I even came up with a back up plan, just in case it all crashed and burned.
That was H.
Yes, the letter in the alphabet that comes after G. But that's another story and also ironically, H is with I.

2G was everything that 1G was not.
And I loved every minute of it.

Except for all of those minutes that I felt unsettled for some reason.
All of those minutes that I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I drove home that last weekend crying and calling out to God and my steering wheel.
"If this is not your will for my life, then remove it. Please. Even if it hurts like hell. Take it from me. Above all, I want your will, and not my own."

And then came the other shoe.
Just a few days later I received an email that it was over.

I have great doubts that it was ever even really real. I was the transition girl. It's what I do.

I just wanted it so much to be the happy ending that I had always hoped for, I guess I didn't really see it.
I wanted to believe it was for real and that beauty would really come from my ashes. And it will.

Reading back over this, I know it reads like a big fat buzz kill...And it kind of is.
But really, I'm good.
Seriously, I am.
Happy even! In spite of all the things that have spun out of my control, I really, really do believe that he will work ALL things out for good.

Nearly one year later, and my whole world turned totally upside down, this is what I have learned about love and the communication industry:
I only need one G.
The G above all other G's.
God.

He is the only one who has never, and I mean never left me...His love has been unconditional, even when I didn't deserve it. He has been patient and kind. He has shown me true mercy and grace.
He considers me precious, the apple of his eye, his beloved, his bride.

I saw a bridal magazine yesterday at HEB, and never, and I mean never being the kind of girl that would ever buy such a thing, I actually glanced at the cover and smiled inwardly.

Someday, maybe.
Maybe someday, that kind of love will find me. The right kind of love.
Until then, I will wait for his perfect provision.
I'm a God girl. I want a God guy.
Maybe even one that's a great kisser and, well, you know...

I've been told all of my life that I am a go-getter and I've taken great pride in my independence.

Now I see myself for what I really am...so, so, so, truly dependent on God for every breathe I take, every move I make, every hurt that's needed healed, every inspiration to create and especially, every chance to love...again.

Thank you God for always being my most reliable, service provider!!!
Can you hear me now?