Got a Light?

Signs and wonders.
I know we're not supposed to look for them, but I do read, and there is a big sign out on Brady highway that says, "Smoking or Non-Smoking: Where will you spend eternity?"
I always laugh when I see that although I am aware that eternal damnation is not funny, I laugh anyway. My initial response when I saw it years ago was, "How great is God that he would offer some of us a smoking lounge?!"
I hope they have big comfy couches...and coffee!!
Yes, I know that's not the point of the sign.

For a long time now, I have been convicted about my sometimes closet smoking. It's actually backyard smoking because I generally hide somewhere I can't be seen by the public or people not in my immediate "circle of trust."

Some have been kicked out of that circle but, I'm not going to go there right now...Ah-em..Robert :)

I've been a sponsor at youth group rallies and have had to sneak out to my vehicle and lay on the floor board to get a quick fix. That's a little humiliating.

Here's a kingdom key or maybe just a new sin slogan....."Gotta hide? Let it slide!"

I've snuck out of the house in the middle of the night, pulling the door quietly behind me, only to turn around and get scared out of my wits because my teenage daughter was doing the same thing and we ran right into each other.
Ugh. That apple doesn't fall far...

No sin goes uncovered.
Is smoking a sin anyway? It is certainly not on God's Top 10 Things You Don't Do list.
But, I also know that my body is the temple of the holy spirit and I am probably choking the crap out of him.

I go for long periods of time, and then I light up.
Just one, I think.
That "just once" always gets me!
The problem for me is that God is dealing with me on it and I have not been obedient enough to just let it go completely once and for all.

And I have a trainload of excuses right now. I know they're excuses. Walk in my shoes a while and then we'll talk.

For many years, he never mentioned smoking to me at all. I suppose he figured it was more important to heal me and help me to grow up in other areas first.

Truthfully, because of my past, I have needed such major "fixing", that I'm sure he was just kind enough to not hit me with it all at once, so I wouldn't get totally freaked out.

I love God. He's so good like that.
It truly is his kindness that leads us to repentance. I am trying. I truly am. I'm also trying to maintain sanity right now and it is occasionally helpful when my mind gets racing and trying to figure things out.

I just really need him to pony up the power so I can run with it once and for all, because when I try to do it myself, in my own strength, I fail and end up hanging my head down lower than Tom Dooley!

There is also the peer pressure from 89% of the people around me who despise it, many who try not to show their complete disdain at my failure to flush my flesh. But I feel it.
Always.
This includes my mother who keeps assuring me, "You're better than that."

God bless the 11 % for understanding my struggle and letting me be such a little moocher. :)

There are about 5 convenience stores in town and I'm now down to only 2 who will even sell them to me if I Super Cave and go buy my own pack.
The problem is, one of those stores has some stupid built in noisemaker and when I say, "Marlboro Ultra Light, Shorts" this little bird thing goes off and makes this high pitched, "uh-oh" sound.
I'm serious!! It's terribly taunting and only adds to my inward humiliation.

Humiliation is character building I always say to my daughter. :) It keeps us humble.

One day, I was heading to a Girl Scout meeting and spraying down the car with one of the random 4 or 5 cans of air freshener that I carry under and behind my seat when Natalie said, "What on earth are you doing besides gagging me? Enough spraying!"
"Well, I don't want to smell like smoke and be a bad influence on the Girl Scouts."
She gave me 'the' look and replied, "Yes, God forbid you be a bad influence on the Girl Scouts."
Ouch!
I did quit for quite a while after that zinger.

Another time, I was standing in line at my Valero in San Antonio and asked for a pack of Marlboro Light 100's. Do you see the progress here? Lights to ultra-lights, 100's to shorts. American Spirits sometimes, because they are natural.
I think I just heard my mom roll her eyes as I typed that.

The familiar clerk behind the counter said loudly for all to hear, "Girl, I thought you quit?" to which I replied, "Okay, you know what? Paul, who was a great apostle even said, the things I don't want to do, I do do, and the things I do want to do, I don't do. And he was a great apostle! So, with all due respect, please don't harass me and just sell me the cigarettes."

The dread locked Rastafarian standing behind me said, "Hey mon, that sounded like scripture or something."
"It is. It's Paul's letter to the Romans, Chapter 7. Check it out."
(Maybe read Chapter 8 too) Amazing.

Driving and puffing on the way back home, I got pulled over by the police.
"Do you know why I pulled you over?"
I held up my pack of cigarettes, "Yes officer, yes, yes, I do. Right here it is, disobedience at it's best!"
He looked at me with raised eyebrows, like I was a crazy person (let that go) and said, "You're inspection sticker is expired."
"Oh, I know you think it's about the inspection sticker, but it's not. It's God. I would not be getting pulled over right now if I didn't have to come get these!"
He smiled back and let me go saying, "You've punished yourself enough for today, just get your inspection sticker soon and go home."

Punishment? Guilt? Condemnation?
That's what I received from my Catholic upbringing.
I'm not being disrespectful or bashing that religion, I'm just sayin'.
It felt performance based and left me always feeling guilty. It came across like a bunch of hoop jumping that I needed to do correctly just to get Jesus on my side and keep God from smiting me like the almighty smiter I was sure he was.

I thought I had to earn God's approval, and knew I never could.

A few weeks later, I was telling Pastor Pat about it, "Read on," he said. "It goes on to say that because we are new creatures in Christ when we accept him, we are dead to sin and can have victory through Christ who lives in us."
Party pooper!
He is also a God who loves me so much that he sent his son to die on a cross for my sins.
A God who forgives when we call on him and then casts it into a sea of forgetfulness.

Every time I turn around lately, I am hearing or reading something about forgiveness and since I kind of consider myself a fast forgiver, I've been trying to figure out what the heck is up with all the F words?

So, I take it up with God and ask if there is someone I need to forgive? Am I walking in unforgiveness? Maybe there is some situation that still irks me and gets under my skin? I don't think so.
Oh, yeah, right. There's that.
And that.
But I'm not holding unforgiveness, I'm over it.
"Good," he whispers, "then quit bringing it up and let it go already."
Gulp.
Anyone else, Lord?
"You."
Me?
"Yes, you."

This makes me chuckle, because sometimes I'm like 5, "Who me, couldn't be then who, Macarena stole the cookie from the c-c-o-o-k-i-e jar." Skip that, it's a childhood sing-song thing they probably didn't do in Texas.

I do have a really, really hard time with forgiving myself when I stumble, fall or nose dive into it.
My mom also tells me that I've always been the most paranoid, guilt bearing person on the planet.

A good friend told me the other day, "If I'm your friend for another 80 years, I will continue to tell you that Christ "did" for you, what you cannot "do" for yourself, at the cross. Period." There was a lot more to what he said and it was so sweet.

I felt Jesus on the phone with us and it moved my spirit in such an incredible way. The heavy yoke was broke, no longer weighing me down or accusing me.

Joyce Meyer confirmed it the day after, "You can't let your "do" effect your "who", which is what I totally do when I blow it.
Christ finished this on the cross!
That is the good news! Man, can I just get a hold of that and keep it?
I don't have to go around beating myself up every time I make a wrong turn or a bad choice.
His mercies are new every day.

Also, it says, I set before you life and death, choose life! And I want to!

But as soon as I find myself getting into works of the flesh and "trying to do the right thing", I am negating what he did on the cross and the grace and mercy that set me free when I asked him to be the savior of my life.

One of my favorite verses is Galatians 5:1 that says something like this, "It is for freedom that Christ died for us, therefore do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery."
The yoke is no joke. Have I said that already?

I pray this frequently because it gives me strength to help me not walk in the bondage of old ways of doing things. I read it again this morning and the gist is, don't put yourself under the law. It is not the things that you do or don't do that make you righteous. You are the righteousness of Christ, in Christ.

Period.
The whole freedom and "free to be me" thing comes into play when I can be joyous, thankful and grateful that God loves me and recognize that out of this great love, he cares enough about me to deal with areas that may need a little tweaking.
The love remains, always, regardless of my sometimes unpolished behavior.

No, it's not giving license to live recklessly and selfishly, because I know that we are supposed to be a light!
Need a light?

Yes, I want to stay in the race and fight the good fight of faith, but there is a huge difference between condemnation and conviction, and there is no condemnation in Christ.

Growing daily in my relationship with God is my goal and quite frankly, I get tired of the finger pointing and people who are just looking outwardly at what they see.

I was stopped once in an HEB parking lot where I was smoking, (before I had the sense to hide) ;)
The woman handed me a tract and said, "Excuse me, but I'd like to introduce you to Jesus and invite you to church."
"Thank you so much, but I already know and love Jesus and have a strong church family."
She looked at me, then at my cigarette and then back to me and with pursed lips said, "Do you now?" and  huffed away in disgust and disbelief.

I puffed and then huffed at the lack of love that we Christians sometimes convey.

"It is absolutely clear that God has called you to a free life. Just make sure that you don't use this freedom as an excuse to do whatever you want to do and end up destroying your freedom, but rather, use your freedom to serve one another in love, that's how freedom grows. For everything we know about God's word is summed up in a single sentence: Love others as you love yourself. That's an act of true freedom." Gal. 5:13, The Message.

American Spirit anyone?