"Come on down! You're the next contestant..."

                                                                (photo courtesy of coffeegodandme.blogspot.com)

Don't you just hate it when life interrupts your dreams?
I haven't posted in a while.
Pretty lame, especially when I know one of the most important things you can do to build a platform or an audience is post consistently.

Michael Hyatt said so.
And I believe him.
But lately, I've been listening to the "other voice" in my head.

You know the one.
It sits on your shoulder, just lingering outside of your ear, chiding and mocking all day long.
"You can't do this. You can't do that."
"You are not "called" to do anything, no one wants to hear what you have to say."
"You are a failure at everything you try to do."

And if I'm particularly tired, stressed, broke or freaking out about something, it all sounds so true.
I am the self-appointed queen of LameLand.

Just a few weeks ago, I was laying in bed, or is it lying? I'm not sure...whatever, anyway...
Snuggled up with the dogs beside me, I silently sat there and prayed for many things concerning our new life in the city. I asked for clarity, direction, finances, relationship restoration, my family and of course, the starving children in Africa and world peace.

I wrapped it all up by telling God, "I really do want to live a life that is filled with passion and purpose, stable and consistent."

Being the Holy Spirit Sass Master as He can be with me, I clearly heard back, "You are."
And I had to furrow my brow, a little confused, because I knew that was so totally untrue.
"Huh?"
"You are consistently inconsistent," he adds.

I smiled from ear to ear.
Touche'.
Indeed I am.
God I love you!

THAT is the straight up truth!!

I commit to working out 3 days a week at least, and fail.
I commit to not cheating on smoking, and fail.
I promise to not lose my temper, and fail.
I commit to the, "Read the Bible in a Year," plan and well, I'm now behind by two and a half weeks!

Truly, I don't want to be a reed, being blown back and forth by the waves.
I don't want to be a double minded woman, unstable in all of my ways.
I don't.

I'm aware there are much stronger, better examples of Christians than myself for sure.
People who actually lead by example.
I don't run into them much, 'cause they're usually on the high road, while I am out hiding behind the giant, metal sanitation dumpster, trying to sneak a puff or two before I become completely unglued.

Soooooo....knowing that we are to confess our sins to one another so that we can be healed and all, I heard the prayer line shout out and jumped up from my seat today as if Bob Barker himself had yelled, "Come on down!"

It's been a really, really crazy week and I needed it.
Desperately.

The scene unfolded like this;
"How can I pray for you today?"
"Well, I've been pretty confused lately and would really like some clarification about well, the direction my life is going, relationships, my family, finances...and I've been smoking a lot again lately because......"

And we're off!
He grips my hand tightly and says, "Repeat after me."
"Okay," I say, pretty sure that we are going to thank God for his awesome faithfulness and for a stronger trust in his purposes during these, oh so, trying times, but no.

Not so much.

"Father, I ask you into my heart..."
Ummm? "I'm sorry, but..."
"Repeat after me," he says kind of bossy like.
Huh? Okay.
"Father, I ask you into my heart...."

I try to jump in, "But....but, I already have him in my heart...I don't need a salvation prayer...."

He squeezed my hand harder.
"I confess to you that I am a sinner."
Oh gosh seriously?
For the love of God, he already knows this.
I tell him every day.

So again I try to explain, "I'm sorry. Perhaps you misunderstood. I really don't need to say a prayer for salvation. I am saved. I have Jesus in my heart...I'm just needing prayer for....."

Ignoring me, he continues on, squeezing my hand in an increasingly firm manner.
"Lord, help me to live my life in a way that honors you....."

Okay, maybe he got me on that one.
Sweet Jesus!

I don't even remember how it ended but he pressed on my forehead, and I think he touched on obedience and deliverance as well by the time it was all said and done.

Now, I'm not being disrespectful, but if I'm gonna fall, I'm gonna do it on my own...not because someone pushed with their thumb, super hard on my forehead in hopes of knocking me to the ground, or even as just a sweet attempt to force some supernatural wisdom on me. It was like, "Gettttt thisss in yourrrrr headdd, girl!"

I just remember thinking to myself on the way back to my seat, "Benny Hinn called and he wants his technique back." :)
And finally, I sat down feeling a little dumbfounded.
And a little scolded.
And a little like I'd just gotten off the phone with a telemarketer who kept returning to the script after every objection I made, even when it didn't make sense with what I'd just said in the conversation.

Now don't get me wrong. This church is great and has an awesome pastor and I super appreciated very much his "jacuzzi for Jesus" joke when referring to the new baptistry. That's good stuff!

But I don't really want a scripted answer to prayer.

I think we all want to participate and fellowship with a body that is sensitive to the move and leading of the holy spirit. I think we all want to see the awesome power of the true and living God really being manifested in our lives.

That's where miracles happen!

I'm just a pretty simple girl.
And I love a pretty simple gospel and a pretty rockin' awesome Jesus!
I don't understand a lot of things about the bible but this one thing, I know....
IT'S NOT ABOUT WORKS!
It is by faith that we are saved....

It's about not letting my "do", get in the way of the "WHO"!
'Cause he is faithful!

In Philipians 1:4 it says, "In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now...being confident in this, that he who began a work in you will carry it on to completion, until the day of Jesus Christ."

Your eyes may have glazed over on that, but it says, "be confident in this...he will continue the work he started in you until the day he comes back!"

I'm sorry. But I have not seen him, behold he comes, riding on a cloud, hovering over my apartment complex.
Which means he isn't finished with me yet!!

Yes, I screw up.
Yes, I am sometimes and idiot and say and do stupid things.
But daily, I am seeking and knocking.
Somedays, kicking and screaming, not so much seeking and knocking....but always inwardly wanting to live the life that He has predestined for me before the foundations of the earth!!

"For it is by GRACE you have been saved, through faith...and it is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God, not by works, so that no one can boast!" Ephesians 2:10

I just stood there in my seat squirming to scream, "I know who I am! I am a child of the most high God!"

Recently, I heard a song on Air One...(love, love, love that station by the way!!) it's called, "Outcast", by Kerrie Roberts.

By definition, an outcast is; 1. Someone who is rejected or cast out, as from home or society...
                                          2. A homeless wanderer, a vagabond
                                          3. Rejected matter, refuse

"I'm not good enough, I'm not what they want...
But let me tell you what...I know who I am..."

God called a bunch of outcasts.
He doesn't call the qualified.
He qualifies those he called.

He called me.
So....Can I spin the big wheel now or what?
'Cause I'd really like to make it the showcase showdown!