How to Stay Alive at a Cake Walk

I love pie.
I love cookies and I love cake.
And Ace of Cakes!

I want to have my cake and eat it too.
Who doesn't?
My friend Cindy reminded me earlier today that life is not always a cake walk.
Why the heck not?
My life more accurately reflects Kitchen Nightmares, but I I really, really love Cake Walks!
Remember them from elementary school?
Those were the super fun, carnival kind of nights that the PTA put together to promote a love for education and learning.
Also, an opportunity to boost rubber duck sales used in the Duck Pond game I'm pretty sure.
I sucked at that game. This one? That one? Ugh! Which duck is the winning duck?
Typically, I picked the one that won me a roll of Sweettarts instead of the cool plastic rainbow kite that I really wanted.
Later, in my honor, my brothers would rename them, Sweetfarts. 
What a gas.

Our family always attended the Family Fun Nights.
There was Bingo, Balloon Darts, Face Painting, Fishing Pole & Cake Walk games.
Typically, we enjoyed a fun round of throwing verbal darts at one another in the white station wagon on the way there.
"You're ugly. How'd you get so ugly?"
"You're adopted. Nobody will tell the truth, but you are. You were an orphan boy when we found you so shut up!"
"Brace Face!"
"Fat Boy."
"Mom, she called me fat!"
"You are fat!"
"You're still ugly."
We weren't focused on political correctness in the 70's.
Or kindness to our siblings.
Eventually, out of nowhere, my other brother would chime in some random and ridiculous fact that none of us cared a rat's &*^ about, "You know what happens when a yellow light is changing to red? There is a mechanism that...."
"SHUT UP BORRIS! NOBODY CARES!" in unison, both parents included, dad with his Pabst Blue Ribbon breath.

My brothers especially excelled at dart throwing. Verbal and otherwise.
They also shot me in the face once with a BB gun. I have a scar on the left side of my nose to prove it.
It's much more obvious than the internal ones you can't see. :)

Inner beauty, focus on inner beauty, ugly duckling.

My mother was a true beauty. She really was.
It was always fun to walk into school with my mom who looked like Barbara Eden in Harper Valley PTA minus the gogo boots, when I myself, looked like Drew Barrymore in Never Been Kissed.
Literally. Picture it. Headgear and all.
Not exactly a walk in the park.
But hey! It's Family Fun Night and I might get a chance to win the Cake Walk.

What could be more fun than prancing stealthily in a circle while listening to, "Stayin Alive," and hoping you are standing on the right spot when the music stops?
Praying never ever crossed my mind back then. Finger crossing yes, praying, not so much.

Round Two.
You're the one that I want, you are, you are, you are...Choco-late Cake...
Honey...
I was very good at winning Cake Walks back then.
Or at least a pan of brownies.

Dear God, do not let me win the Fruit Cake!

Round and round we go, then stop, then go....musical interlude...
I always jam music in the kitchen when I'm baking.
I don't wake and bake anymore and cheery baking requires a few cups of coffee and a lot of prayer to get myself into a full on, "Rise and Shine" mode.
I'm not an early morning good mood girl without assistance of some sort.

Loud music generally helps my cakes rise beautifully.
Sadly though, I always open the oven way too early and watch it fall faster than you can say Rachel Ray or souffle.
Or pride comes before a fall.
Ugh.

For a souffle, the magic rise is in the eggs.
Mine just tends to end up on my face.
A souffle isn't a cake anyway, they're in a different family of baked goods.

And, for the record, there is no "magic rise" happening because my temperature gauge thingy is broke...
It runs way too hot and I tend to burn things to smoldering ashes.

Am I still going in circles? Is the music still playing?

I've been kicked around
since I was born....
And now it's all right, it's ok
and you may look the other way
We can try to understand
The New York Times' effect on man
I really hope AND pray my new book, Pig's Big Adventure makes it to The New York Times Best Selling List!
What a delicious recipe for success that would be!

"They brought the Ark of God and placed it inside the special tent David had prepared for it. And they presented burnt offerings...."


Burnt offerings? Check.

"and peace offerings to God. When he had finished his sacrifices, David blessed the people in the name of the Lord. Then he gave every man and woman in all Israel a loaf of bread, a cake of dates...."
No thank you, I'm full.

"and a cake of raisins." 
Oh sweet Jesus! I said no Fruit Cake!

Life IS like a Cake Walk.
And in this game, I am a chosen child of God...
I just want to win the Sinfully Delicious Three-Layer, Blue Ribbon Chocolate Cake.
And a plastic rainbow kite to fly when I'm done burning stuff.

(1 Chronicles 16...read it while waiting for your cake to rise...totally tasty!)