Granny Panties & the Armor of God

I'll admit it.

I'm no Fashionista.

When I was showing my house last week, one of the sweet little girls looked in my closet and said, "You have a lot of clothes!"

I really don't.

Sure, I probably have more clothes than those gracing the cover of National Geographic, but seriously, nothing fits anymore.

In my wardrobe, or my life.

I suppose it's time to go through them again, and pull out what I might be able to make work and give the rest away.

Where is the emperor when you need new clothes anyway?

I'm always telling my girls, "You have to dress for the role you want, not the one you have."

To them, I guess it would appear that I want a job that allows me to lay in a hammock holding a fruity drink in one hand and my much outdated laptop in the other. 

Or one that allows me to wear boxer shorts all day.

I'll take either.

Rummaging through my closet after they left, I realized that it's probably time to ditch the "summer skank wear" from two summers ago.

Apparently, there's some other skank in the picture now.

(tacky comment added just for fun...I'm fine with it.)

It's part of wearing the Armor.

I have put on my shoes of peace.

And, I'm supposed to be wrapped with the, "belt of truth," so honestly, they weren't very comfortable anyway. 

I only have one belt.
It's brown.

One of my favorite daughters jacked my favorite black belt.

(insert hardcore karate kick here)

Okay, so I actually have two belts if you count the "belt of truth" as an actual accessory.

Since I'm wearing that one right now, I will also let a few skeletons out of my overstuffed closet.

According to writing guru, Jeff Goins, we are supposed to be "dangerous" with our writing.

Good God. He has no idea how dangerous I can get.

Especially if I'm wielding the sword of the spirit.

Or just playing Fruit Ninja while killing time on my phone.

Anyway, a while ago I was invited to dinner at a friend's house. 

This 'friend' and I have amazing chemistry together, and a little history, so as I was getting ready to go all Top Gun, "right into the danger zone," (or is it ride?) 
I was also prayerfully preparing.

I rummaged through my underwear drawer and pulled out the ugliest pair of panties that I could find.

The Granny Panties. 

Girls, now I know that you know, that we all know what I'm talking about here.

You've showered and shaved. (To be extra safe, I didn't even do that!)

Cause we know the drill...

The alarm might be going off in your head like this.....

SEX!!! SEX!! SEX!! SEX!!

Now, depending on how much and what you're shaving, if you ignore the alarm and continue on, open the drawer, and grab anything even remotely hot or sexy, you have already lost the battle in your brain....and the bedroom.

Where the girl's mind goes, the lingerie follows.

It's no secret Victoria, push up bras and lace are ya gonna leave you, just several short hours away from the drive of shame.

"I just like to feel pretty for me."
"Bull----"

Trust me.
No matter how good the coffee and breakfast in bed is going to taste in the morning, you will still have a long drive home with Jesus who will sit beside you and wonder, "Really? So, that's how you let me take the wheel?"

And as you try to drown out the guilt of caving in, you might then turn on the radio and get the Dirty DJ Playlist that goes something like this....(cause it's all hypothetical, of course)

Static...Push...Scan.....

Feel Like Making Love......What? scan...

Your Body is a Wonderland....Seriously? scan...

Underneath Your Clothes...OMgosh!! 

Shoot me now.

Then mumbling, "Oh sweet Jesus", and driving 70 mph heading north, northwest, you will be back in K-LOVE land and thankfully Casting Crowns is singing, "Jesus can you show me just how far...the east is from the west?"

And you will repent.

The bottom line of this blog: WEAR THE GRANNY PANTIES!

On that particular trip, I was able to save myself from the previously mentioned dilemma by doing just that.

But not without getting busted by the fashion police first. 

Does this qualify as dangerous yet?

In a fast and heated, moment of making out that got away from me, there was a wandering hand that slipped briefly under the hem of my skirt, for just a second. Or two.

"Are you wearing Granny Panties?"

"Yes, yes I am!" readjusting my waistband.

"Granny Panties and the armor of God, baby....and now, I really, really, gotta go."

He just laughed. Friends can do that.

So I drove home, without a wedgie, and instead of wanting to slink down lower than the floor boards of my Dodge pick up truck, I was thanking God and high fiving myself all over the place for my genius panty plan...and the power of prayer!

That was a much, much nicer drive.

And so, for this very reason, I've decided to start a petition on Change.org and hope you'll sign it.

"Tell the Bible to add Granny Panties to the Armor of God in Ephesians." 

:D 

"Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God's righteousness. For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the good news so that you you will be fully prepared. In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil."

Or even just good friends who woo you with delicious steaks on the grill and corn on the cob.