My Mugshot could be with Creflo's....

Yesterday, I was trying to get a sump pump started in the pool.

It was a lame attempt to suck out the green pond scum and dead frog corpses so I could refill it with sparkling clean water before the appraiser gets here.

I told them at the hardware store that I needed very specific instructions on how to operate it, because I'm not very good at fixing things or messing with motors.

But I tried.
And I tried and I tried.
Pulling the start chord, pushing buttons and flipping the choke back and forth, got me thinking.


About choking.


And Creflo Dollar.


It got me thinking about parenting and discipline, and how I have so totally choked in the role of motherhood.


I don't know what happened between Creflo and his daughter.
I don't know if he did it or not.
Sometimes, as parents, we blow it.
Sometimes, our children blow it.


It does not change that I admire his preaching and teaching skills.
I wasn't there. I don't really care. 
I've done it myself.

Literally. I have choked one of my children.
Probably on more than one occasion. 
Horrifying isn't it?

There is a lot of discussion in the media right now about discipline and what is right and what is wrong.
To spank or not spank?
Is it okay to slap a child in the face?
Where is that line between discipline and child abuse?

It hurts my heart that I have crossed that line in a sudden outburst of seemingly uncontrollable rage.
I am absolutely guilty of disciplining out of anger and not out of love.
Many times.


I once slapped my daughter in the face, hard enough to leave a hand print that I remorsefully and shamefully tried to comb out the next morning before school.
I'm not even sure when I lost control of the situation, but I can tell you that to this day, it makes me sick to my stomach that I did not have better conflict resolution skills.


As a single parent, many days, you just try to survive.
I'm not making excuses, I'm just saying I didn't start out that way.
I wanted to be a good mom.


When I was about 23, and my girls were 2 and 3, I took them to McDonalds for a treat.
We were in the play land area and my oldest, and always most challenging daughter was throwing plastic balls at her little sister.
I told her to stop.
She did not.
"If you throw one more ball at your sister's head, we are leaving," I threatened.

She threw two.

Loud crying followed and I quickly threw our trash in the bin, stacked the trays and gathered the diaper bag.
"Let's go."
"I don't want to go."
"I told you what was going to happen, you didn't listen, and now we're leaving."

With no nonsense parental authority, I grabbed both girls and headed out the door but was stopped by an older woman who said, "You're a really good mom! I wish my daughter had that kind of follow through with my grandchildren."

I will never forget how proud I was, having been publicly confirmed that I was on the right track to parental perfection.

Sadly, stress, time, and life's circumstances, derailed me at some point and I lost the ability or perhaps just the energy to follow through and be a parent who was in control of the situation and could discipline in love.

I wasn't always blowing up at my kids, but sometimes, the pressure would build and build and build, and then came the spark of circumstance, igniting an explosion of emotion.

That emotion was anger.


It wasn't until my children were practically grown and one was in a Teen Challenge program that I finally enrolled myself in a Love and Logic parenting class. 


I wanted to be a better parent, I just didn't know how to weave consistent and effective discipline into two unwilling and uncooperative teenage girls who had nothing but contempt and disrespect to sow my way.


Also, I had a much younger daughter who sat, oh so, obediently on the sidelines and watched as we unraveled on a fairly regular basis during those tumultuous teen years...plus a few more.


Love and Logic is probably one of the best skill building, conflict resolution classes for parents who want to discipline better....without all of the fighting and power struggles.
It really works! If you stick with it.


Sometimes I still just slam cabinet doors and nag relentlessly while yelling from one room to another, "I am not going to tell you again to empty the dishwasher!"


Am I the only one who does this?

Not a day goes by that I haven't wished I could have child rearing, discipline do-overs.
I have often wanted so badly to go back in time with some of the knowledge and skills I've acquired in my own years of growing up.


I guess God has decided to answer my prayer. 
Sort of anyway.
I've recently found out that I am going to have a grandchild of my own.
I'm going to be a grandma.
My daughter, a mother.


I pray that my grandchild will be raised in a home where they love God.
I pray that my grandchild will be raised in an atmosphere of abundant love.
And only loving discipline.

"No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening-it's painful! But afterward, there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained this way." Hebrews 12:11

For the last several months, I've apparently been grounded by God.
Sometimes I feel like I've been slapped, choked AND kicked.

But I truly believe that a loving father disciplines his children.
He is the best father I've ever known.
And I am anxiously hoping for that peaceful harvest of right living, in spite of having done it all wrong.