Free at Last? Free at Last?

As I was driving to my mom's house for the fourth festivities, I heard Air1 play Dr. King's, "Free at Last," speech.

Man, I want that kind of freedom.
He had dreams that were noble and righteous.

Mine just take me to super fun places where I get to share the love.

The other night I dreamt I was boarding my Fisher Price airplane and hugging all of the little wooden headed people as I got ready to climb the flight of stairs.

A stairway to heaven perhaps?
"Take me now, Lord. Please. I'm begging you!"

But then my plane turned into a rocket ship. And I'm pretty sure I heard Elton John singing.
And then the rockets red glare woke me up and reminded me that Fourth of July is one of my favorite holidays of the year.

My birthday follows just a few days later and my mom always plans a fabulous celebration, combining the birth of our great country with honoring her own Little Miss Independence.

Me.

Born July 8th, 1967
.
What did I wish for when I blew out my candles?
Freedom.

Jesus Christ can I just be free at last?

I admit it. I'm in a fourth, fifth, sixth and seventh of July funk for sure.

I feel pushed by an invisible force to live a life that smushes me and leaves me feeling suffocated and defeated.

I have also felt quite certain that God and I were tight, and I really was created for something more than the life I've actually been living.

Mediocrity messes with my head.

And then I start to mope around, crying and complaining like a whiney Israelite.

Can I just skip the wilderness adventure pack and go back?

There is some sick sense of security when you're living in bondage, you know?

"Get me out of here!" screams from the depth of my soul.
And I mean it.

Free me from the overwhelming guilt of my past. Free me from the financial hardship brought on by myself and others, Free me from the hurt of words, both spoken and heard. Free me from doubt and insecurity and a looming sense that nothing ever really changes.

I throw on the yoke, tie up the knots and totally ignore what was done on the cross for me. Continually measuring myself against how perfectly 'right' everyone else is doing it but me.

But it's wrong.

"It is for freedom, that Christ set us free! Therefore, do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery."

The entire 5th chapter of Galatians, begs me to understand the magnificence of this freedom!
It's just about Jesus.

But I'm still stuck anyway.

Some days I think I hear him say, "Quit."
Other days, "Be still and know that I am God."

I am still, just a little bit ticked off.

The weight of my regrets is so ridiculously unbearable and the do-over list gets longer every day.

In my life long pursuit of happiness, I've never, ever, been happy doing what every one else is doing.

There is something in me, that I cannot explain, and I really should stop trying to.

Recently, in one of my overly sharey moments, I confided in someone who told me my goals, "weren't very realistic."

And there it was again.
The old familiar, stinging zinger.

 I've heard various versions of it my whole life.
And I'm sure it's true.

No...it's not realistic.

Fortunately, I was created by the One who specializes in the miraculous.

Fortunately, I put my hope (even on days I feel frickin' hopeless) in the hands of the one who created me and set me apart and called me His.

I've been waiting over 40 years to see what he's put in my heart come to pass.

"I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry."
Plenty of that for sure.

Under a fake smile, I blew out my candles.
All of them at once.

Maybe this year, I'll finally be free at last.
Free to be a better version of me.
Free to live my life with more passion, in hopes of pursuing happiness and a greater purpose.